


My Dearest Laurens

by hokseok



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Canon Era, Canonical Character Death, F/M, Implied/Referenced Cheating, M/M, Nightmares
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-10
Updated: 2017-04-10
Packaged: 2018-10-17 10:00:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,300
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10591692
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hokseok/pseuds/hokseok
Summary: Alexander is haunted with survivor's guilt. God, he wished for the pain to just go away.





	

_“I’m sorry!” He screamed, shaking. His eyes, brown as the earth’s soil, were panicked, scared, albeit hopeful. “I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I’m sorry, my love.” He repeated the words like a mantra, his gaze darting from his blood covered hands to the single bullet wound that dug itself into his lover’s chest._

_“You…” His lover started to say, though coughed, blood now dripping down his chin, dripping onto the once green grass. “You could h-have saved me.”_

_“Laurens, my dearest Laurens. I tried!” He shouted. Sobs racked his body; tears soaked his cheeks. “I love you, I love you, I love you. Please don’t say that!”_

_“You did this...” John managed to cough out before falling limp in Alexander’s arms._

_“A doctor! He needs a doctor, please!” He shouted, applying pressure to the wound but to no avail. Laurens, his beloved Jacky, had left the world, his eyes lifeless, his body lifeless. “Please!”_

_Men, both doctors, soldiers, even members of the enemy, suddenly circled Alexander, some laughing, others jeering and pointing._

_“Why won’t you help him!” He yelled. “Why? Please, just help him!”_

_The laughing only increased, getting louder and louder until Alexander couldn’t take it anymore. His vision blurred through the tears and his small frame shook, though he witnessed this nightly._

_“It’s just a dream.” He whispered to himself. “Just a dream.”_

 

 

“Alexander!” A voice said next to his ear, and his eyes snapped open as he bolted upright. “Alexander, are you okay?”

He turned, blinking rapidly, shaking his head.

“Betsey.” He replied quietly.

“Did you have the nightmare again?” She asked, voice filled with worry and kindness, and he nodded. She wrapped her arms around him, resting her cheek on his shoulder. His body was still tense, and no matter what Eliza tried to do, it would remain that way until he calmed himself down, talking himself out of whatever memories he was thinking about, until he remembered that it wasn’t his fault.

Alexander always kept the blame on himself, though. Perhaps if he had written a letter a month, a week, a day earlier, begging his Laurens to leave the field, to come to Albany and stay with him and Eliza for once, then maybe he wouldn’t have died, and Alexander wouldn’t have received a letter, only a _letter_ , explaining what had happened to his Jacky.

He still stared at the opposing wall, as still as a statue, not even shivering even though the weather had started to turn from boiling and humid to days of endless rain and harsh winds. It was early in the morning and, for the third night in a row, the light patter of rain could be heard against the glass windows. Colours of sunrise streamed through the curtains, which had accidentally been left open the previously night, casting an orange glow over the room.

“My love…” Eliza muttered, turning to look at her husband. He had been in this state for a while now, and she would be lying if she wasn’t worried. “Alexander.” She said, this time more firmly. He hadn’t reacted at all the first time she had spoken to him, though this time he flinched and slowly looked towards her. Eliza’s gaze softened.

“Go back to sleep.”

“I can’t.”

“At least try… For me?”

At this, Alexander nodded. He knew he wouldn’t be able to sleep, he didn’t want to anyway, but if it would make Betsey happy, he would oblige.

Eliza, within minutes, had already fallen asleep again, but Alexander, oh, Alexander, laid still, staring at the ceiling, missing his Jacky.

 

* * *

 

“Alexander,” Eliza said, entering his office, a frown on her face. “There’s a letter for you from South Carolina.”

“It’s from John Laurens,” Alexander replied, smiling slightly. “I’ll read it later.”

“It’s from his father.”

“His father?” Alexander asked, his interest piqued. Henry Laurens had never written to him, or even attempted to speak to him. Though they had never spoken, Alexander had formed an opinion on him from everything his Jacky had said about him. He didn’t like the man too much. “Will you read it?”

“On Tuesday, the twenty-seventh, my son was killed in a gunfight…” Eliza said, and her voice faded out at that point. Dead. His Laurens was dead, and they hadn’t even had a chance to be reunited before his passing. His throat constricted (check that) and he felt the tears begin to form. He blinked them away; he couldn’t cry in front of Betsey.

“His dream of freedom for these men dies with him.” Eliza finished reading the letter, setting it down on his desk. “Alexander, are you alright?”

He paused for a long moment, still staring at what he was previously writing. His breathing had become irregular, and he hoped Eliza couldn’t tell.

“I have so much work to do.” He breathed out, turning to look at her. Eliza nodded, knowing that her husband wished to be alone. She snatched the letter before he could reread it and quickly left the room.

She was shocked to see so much pain and sorrow in Alexander’s eyes.

 

* * *

 

 

No matter how many times he had this nightmare, it never seemed to get easier. It was the same nightly; well, on the nights Alexander did actually sleep. He would beg and plead for his Laurens to survive and, without fail, Jack never would, and would often tend to say some heartbreaking remark before he passed.

He buried himself in his work, in other ladies aside from his wife, in fighting and calling out every other member of any political party. No one was there to hold him back and stop his recklessness when needed. No one was there to encourage him to do the right things. No one was there to tell him when he should stop, both for himself and for the benefit of everyone else around him.

Everything else was so much easier with his lover. Everything else hurt so much more without his lover.

 

* * *

 

 

It was rare Alexander would let himself go in front of Eliza. It was rare that he would search for comfort in her arms. It was rare that he would allow himself to cry, to release all the emotions he was holding back, to let all of his anger and pain and exhaustion out.

He turned to her for comfort, for once, and she indulged him, even whilst knowing he didn’t deserve it. She let him cry on her clothing, probably ruining her dress but she couldn’t care. Her Hamilton was back, and she cried with him. For everyone they had lost.

For Philip, their too young son who had passed before he even had a chance to explore the world.

For Laurens, someone Eliza hadn’t known too well but had met on occasion. He was nice, polite, and both reserved and as open as a book at the very same time. Though she hadn’t been in his presence long enough to form a valid opinion, her husband had thought very highly of him and, by the looks of things, he still did.

“Why do people have to die, Betsey? What do we do to deserve such pain in our short lives?” Alexander cried, and Eliza rubbed a soothing hand down his cheek.

“I don’t know, my love. I don’t know.” She replied, for she had no real answer. “We will get through this. Together.”

And that was exactly what his Laurens used to say. He would whisper it in Alexander’s ear late at night, whilst everyone else rested from the aftermath of the battle. His would kiss Alexander’s cheek, his nose, his lips, and whisper it, grinning in such a way that only his Laurens could create.

“I love you,” Alexander whispered to his Jacky.

“I know you do.” His Betsey whispered in return.

**Author's Note:**

> updated, september 2018 (copied & pasted): it's ben/jay! i'm here to say you can find me on tumblr @4prom (though my url changes regularly, so check my ao3 profile for updates). thank you so much for reading, and (hopefully) enjoying. feel free to send me a message!


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